How to Help Your Grieving Friend

March 25, 2008

Not surprisingly, I’ve had lots of conversations with other families who have grieved a tragedy like ours and reflected on my own experience in the past few months.

For those of you just arriving on the scene, we were expecting our second child, a daughter, to arrive somewhere around September 25, 2007. We went into the hospital on Saturday morning, September 22nd, because I couldn’t shake the feeling that I hadn’t been feeling the baby move as much as I would have expected. We arrived in the triage, were hooked up to monitors and ultrasounds and told that our baby was no longer living. We delivered her that day. We named her Felicity Margaret.

It’s been six months since she left us, and I’ve had good and bad experiences since. I thought I would try to relay some of the helpful things you can do to understand and help your friends who are grieving. Of course this is all from my own experience, and I certainly am not a grief expert in any authoritative way, I just know what I’ve gone through.

So if you think this would be helpful to you now or in the future, I hope you’ll read along, think, comment, pray, and act on behalf of your friends or family members who are grieving. You can be a profound blessing to people you may not feel like you understand.

Posts in this series:

Entry Filed under: Grief. .

38 Comments Add your own

1. Susan | March 25, 2008 at 9:45 am

Hmm… this isn’t really the kind of post for the kind of comment I am leaving, but I just wanted to tell you the cookies are on their way! I sent them via USPS priority mail and you should have them by the end of the week.
2. puremotif | March 25, 2008 at 10:13 am

I would love to hear about this.
3. Susan | March 25, 2008 at 10:43 am

I would also, and of course I didn’t say that in my first comment because i was so excited about the cookies.
4. Marsel | March 25, 2008 at 11:52 am

I first started to follow your blog when we heard (through DG) about your loss of Felicity. Although we had never met you, as fellow believers and therefore part of the same family (of God) we began then to pray for you and we still do.

Although under different circumstances, my husband and I have experienced the loss of a child(ren), and it has been a blessing for me to “watch” another believer who is also dealing with grief and its related struggles. Your post today was especially apropos as I am struggling with a fresh wave of sorrow…thank you so very much for being candid about yours.
5. Andie | March 25, 2008 at 12:29 pm

Just this morning, I actually was going to ask if you’d write on this subject. thanks.
6. Lee Ann | March 25, 2008 at 12:56 pm

Hey Molly,

I’ve had several conversations w/friends asking me how to respond to people that are grieving. I’m with you that I can only share from my experience, but I know there are definite things that I would do and not do, now that we have walked through this past year. I have a running list in a notebook of mine, in case I forget some of the things. Anyway, I look forward to hearing your post.

I don’t leave many comments, but I do check your blog to see how y’all are doing. We often pray for the three of you. I know we live in a fallen world, and that only in glory will we be free from suffering. But after watching two more friends lose babies this past week (16 & 24 weeks), I wish that it were not a reality. I wish that babies didn’t die, and parents didn’t lose their babies. It may sound simplistic. But, I think it just comes from me wishing my Nathaniel was still me, and wanting the same for you, and my other friends.

Anyway, we love you guys.
L
7. Carrie | March 25, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Thank you so much for writing about this. I would especially love to hear how other moms who have been blessed with many children (often unplanned!) can minister to women who struggle with infertility, or have experienced miscarriage or the death of a child. So often, when I have been pregnant and have heard of other women in my church who have miscarried or otherwise lost children, I wonder if I should just avoid… the sight of a 9-months-along pregnant woman is probably the last thing they want to see. I hope that makes sense!
8. Elaine Williams | March 25, 2008 at 2:44 pm

I am sorry for your loss. elaine
9. Shannon Archer | March 25, 2008 at 2:59 pm

If you plan to include a list of “things not to do” could you please refrain from using our real names I look forward to learning from you in this area and hope that I never need to use your advice on this topic again.
10. Aimee | March 25, 2008 at 5:23 pm

Hello Molly,
My husband found your blog, he is a pastor and John Piper is his hero. We have had your family in our prayers for quite some time now. On Sept. 21, 2007, my little girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 at only 15 weeks gestation. We were completley devasted when they told us we would only have a few minutes with her. Of course, they offered termination, but we denied that, we knew she was a gift from our great God and He would take her when He was ready. I carried her for 18 more weeks and she was born on Jan 22, 2008 and lived for 9 minutes. Here is our story, if you would like to read it: http://www.weathersfamily2007.blogspot.com
It has only been 9 weeks since she went home to be with Jesus and although I am so happy that she is with Him, my arms ache to hold her just one more time.
I will continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.
In Christ, Aimee
11. shawnda | March 25, 2008 at 6:43 pm

I am SO thankful you are going to do this, friend. Thanks for using your very difficult experience to bless us.
12. Hannah | March 25, 2008 at 7:05 pm

I just came across your blog today Although I haven’t had time to read too many of your previous posts, your brief description of your daughter’s stillbirth sounds so similar to my experience. I delivered my daughter Tabitha just less than seven weeks ago. So you can be sure that I will be reading anything you write on this subject!
Thank you so much (in advance) for sharing…
13. Bethany | March 25, 2008 at 10:32 pm

Thank you for desiring to write about this. I lost my sweet baby boy Elijah at birth four weeks ago. HIS grace is amazing!
14. Colette Frazier | March 26, 2008 at 4:31 am

Molly, I was wondering about the Cordell’s. I just visited their TCT website last week wondering if they had a blog link or pictures of a new baby i’m so glad to know they are close to their hearts’ desires with this little girl. Please tell her I said hi and miss her. And tell her she needs to have a blog

It’s not lonely here–really b/c 3 little boys keep me so busy. The first 5 months were rough though b/c it was been really difficult to make friends and get to know people here–it’s the culture and b/c we foreigners i think. but we finally made some connections and feel much more rooted. Thank the Lord! I was missing so many people back in the states but once we made some friends it helped to relieve that.
15. Mrs. MK | March 26, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Oh, Molly, what a lovely thought to share! I am still in the thick of the grieving, and am at loss as to what to tell my friends when they offer to help.

You and your family have been in my prayers the last six months, and now we share this road……..
16. Karen | March 26, 2008 at 7:32 pm

First of all I am so sorry that your family went through such a real loss. Being a nurse working high risk obstetrics and nursery I have seen many (too many) go through the process that you are describing. How loving and awesome that you are allowing God to use you as a fount of grace to those who don’t know how to minister to people with such a grief. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to seeing your perspective in this series.
17. Mrs. Damian Garcia | March 31, 2008 at 11:12 am

I am visiting from Amy’s Humble Musings.

I just want to say that I appreciate you doing this. Many years ago I lost a baby girl that came too early. I was 24 weeks along when she was born. So many people simply acted like nothing happened. I know I was young, still in high school even but the pain was horrible. I have a tenancy to push pain aside and do what needs to be done, even to this day. But for the life of me I wish those people that loved me would have asked me how I was doing, what can I do to help, do you want to talk about it?. Losing a child is the worse thing I think a parent will go through. We need to support one another when this happens. It is too hard to go through alone.

Thank you for writing about this. Hopefully many fathers and mothers will be blessed by it.

Mrs. Damian Garcia
18. Amanda Axelby | March 31, 2008 at 4:53 pm

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I came here via Amy’s Humble Musings. I know some of what you are experiencing as we lost our little girl through stillbirth too. I think sharing what helps and doesn’t help during your grieving time is always helpful for other people. Unless they have been through a similar experience it is just too hard for them to understand. And often, without meaning to, people say things that add to the pain. i guess we have all been there at some stage of our lives. Foot in mouth disease. That is why I wrote a book about our daughter’s loss. If I could have your address I will post you a copy, if you like.
Blessings to your family.
Amanda
An Australian sister in Christ
19. Mrs. Damian Garcia | March 31, 2008 at 5:25 pm

Amanda you are very right. After my loss a teacher told me that she didn’t even know I was pregnant and then said that at least I was young and could have more. The loss of my child at 24 weeks was the beginning of losing 5 children in a row. I thought of her comments every time we lost a baby. My only comfort was that I knew she meant it as good and not just saying it.
20. Jennifer | April 1, 2008 at 2:11 pm

I found you through Amy’s Humble musings. I’m so sorry for your loss.

It was a blessing find your posts today. Two months ago I lost my third baby in about a year and a half. Though it was at about 12 weeks, we’d been to the doctor so many times and been assured everything looked great. You just never know what will happen.

Anyway, I’d been having one of those anxious and alone kind of days where I just feel like I’m in another world from everyone around me. Your suggestions are great. I know it’s hard for people to know what to do with folks like us, in unbelievably sad situations. Knowing other people are surviving too, however, is at least some comfort.

Best wishes to you and your family.
21. Diana | April 1, 2008 at 8:20 pm

Thank you for sharing. God has led me to your site. Your story is so similar to mine. I had a stillbirth, a little girl named Elizabeth. I was suppose to have her on Oct. 14, 2004 but went in on Oct. 12th as you did to find out she had gone to be with the Lord. I had two children who were 13yrs. and 10yrs. They were so excited to have a little sister coming. My 13yr. old prayed the entire night for God to perform a miracle and prayed that maybe the doctor and nurses were wrong. I remember praying that I would not hear another baby cry. That night, God listened and I never heard another baby cry. I remember them asking us if we wanted an autopsy but we declined. My doctor advised us not to and so some days I still wonder what happened. The doctor believes it was a cord accident.

I am still grieving but it does get better. You have to turn to the Lord to help you get through this kind of pain. The following year, I delivered a healthy little girl named Lindsey on Oct. 20, 2005. That was a difficult pregnancy.

Thank you again for sharing.
God Bless You and Your Family.
22. … «&hellip | April 3, 2008 at 1:05 am

[...] the loss of a child, I must direct you to Molly’s blog. She has started a series called, “How to Help Your Grieving Friend” and it’s [...]
23. Christa Reichert | April 3, 2008 at 10:57 am

Oh Molly, thank you so much for writing about this. Ever since Barb Christenson spoke at MOMS in 2006, this has been stirring in my heart and I desperately want to be a caring, sensitive friend to my friends that are missing their children and yet I am poorly equipped!
24. Kari | April 3, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Thank you for writing this series. I’ve never lost a child (I’m still single) but just this week I’ve begun the process of going through a different kind of grief. I’ve never felt so loved and supported by the Body of Christ yet everything within me aches and the tears are flowing freely.

Thank you for opening up your heart on this subject, and please know that you’re blessing people in countless ways.
25. mimi2six | April 6, 2008 at 6:04 am

I found you from Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer. I have never experienced what you have, and I cannot possibly know the pain you bear. But I thank you for being brave and transparent enough to write about your experiences. You have, no doubt, ministered to so many families who have experienced the loss of a child……and you have ministered to the rest of us in giving us solid advice on responding well to those who have experienced such tragedy. I’m reminded of the verse that tells us that God comforts us so we can, in turn, comfort others who are hurting. You are obeying this tender command. I know God will bless your heart greatly in this ministry.
26. Melanie | April 6, 2008 at 8:45 am

A friend of mine went through this exact same thing with her son. I am going to send her a link to your blog. Thank you for talking about it. We don’t talk about this enough.
27. Holly | April 6, 2008 at 5:32 pm

I don’t know if you have heard of the Christian group “Selah”, but the lead singer’s name is Todd Smith. He and his wife, Angie, are having a baby girl tomorrow named Audrey Caroline and she is not expected to live. Although I don’t kinow them personally I love the music of Selah and came across their blog about their experience, http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com. I know they would covet your prayers tomorrow afternoon. I have been praying for them all week. Thank you for sharing your story and allowing the Lord to use your hurt for His Glory. May God Bless you richly.
28. Dolly Acosta | April 6, 2008 at 8:13 pm

Hi- it has been just over a year ago that we delivered our stillborn daughter. I understand . Read my post here:
http://justincase-doll.blogspot.com/2008/01/in-honor-of-chelsea.html
29. expectingamiracle | April 6, 2008 at 10:32 pm

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I think all your posts about grief are wonderful and will help a lot of people out there. Although I know it’s not the same kind of grief, I miscarried my baby and I can identify with much of what you wrote.
30. Tiffany | April 7, 2008 at 9:44 am

I found your blog through Rocks in my Dryer. We lost our daugter on March 11, 2007. She lived 16 1/2 hours. It came as a shock to us as well. I have struggled through so many things and have my good days and bad days. It is encouraging to hear other people’s stories and to know that your story may help others, although nothing “makes it better.” There is a long road ahead of all of us who have suffered losses and it is nice to know that we can go through it together. God bless.
31. Amanda | April 7, 2008 at 10:02 am

I’m so sorry about your Felicity, and am looking forward to reading through your blog. We lost our micropreemie nearly a year ago, so I understand some of that grief. May God’s peace consume you.
32. Helping someone grieving &hellip | April 12, 2008 at 5:24 pm

[...] Molly Piper (one of John’s daughters-in law) has some helpful advice on how to help a grieving friend. She knows well from experiencing as her and her husband have gone through the valley of loss [...]
33. Quick Takes - 4/12/2008 a&hellip | April 13, 2008 at 6:46 am

[...] Piper offers her thoughts on How to Help Your Grieving Friend. “Not surprisingly, I’ve had lots of conversations with other families who have grieved a [...]
34. Gina Ashley | April 15, 2008 at 4:54 am

Thank you…I linked this to some friends because after going through early labor 4 times (all resulting in loosing the babies) and having a miscarriage once I found many of the things you wrote to be helpful for people to understand.
35. Beautiful boy « Nur&hellip | April 23, 2008 at 7:52 pm

[...] heart by having me write this article about helping your grieving friend and reading this series by Molly Piper regarding her loss of a child. Maybe they can help you [...]
36. jessica | April 30, 2008 at 8:50 pm

thank you for sharing your thoughts!! i have a co-worker (and friend) who recently lost her baby. i hope that i will be able to be a better friend to her having read your blog.
37. Always On My Mind «&hellip | May 5, 2008 at 9:42 am

[...] (Read other posts in this series.) [...]
38. Ashleigh | May 14, 2008 at 4:28 am

Thank you. Its been 2 months since I lost Zakary. I miss him terribly but your blog helps me too.

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