10 Tips for Bringing Meals to a Grieving Friend

May 7, 2008

How to Help Your Grieving Friend, Part 10

When we lost Felicity, we had a lot of meal help from friends and family. I learned a few things from the people serving me about how to serve others—with food.

1. BRING MEALS!

It is essential, really. Bringing meals is a profound ministry to the hurting. Your friend’s mind is otherwise engaged and simply cannot sequence the steps for making a meal.

2. Organize the meals so she doesn’t have to.

Ideally, one person (not the griever) is coordinating meals immediately after the loss. If the grieving person has to coordinate what days they’re going to get a meal, who it’s coming from, what time it’s arriving, etc., that’s just as much work as trying to make meals herself. If there is no meal coordinator, volunteer!

3. Stagger the times that you bring meals.

Depending on the size of the family, meals may only be necessary every other day or even every third day. Because of leftovers, one meal often provides for two days of eating.

4. Bring a frozen meal.

As many of you know after a death, there’s often no shortage of food. A frozen meal can be set aside for when it’s most convenient. You can even organize your small group to bring a whole batch of frozen meals if they have an extra freezer (make sure first!). These come in handy a couple months down the road when the organized meals are over, and a particularly hard day/week comes.

5. Make sure everyone doesn’t bring the same thing.

Soup and lasagna are the most common meals to bring because they taste so good, they’re the easiest to make, and they travel well. But make sure they haven’t received a bunch of those already (talk to the meal organizer about that).

6. Should I stay or should I go? Yes.

When you bring a meal, feel the situation out for whether or not you should linger. They might want you to stick around and talk, but if you think not, it’s perfectly acceptable to drop it off and get going.

7. Don’t count on commiserating.

You’re bringing a meal because of their loss, but they might not want to feel that loss with you right then. Just before dinner might not be a good time for “a moment.”

8. Deliver dinner in dishes you don’t need back.

Always provide a meal in containers that don’t need to be returned to you. Having to keep track of 9×13’s and serving bowls is too much work. It requires the organizational effort that we’re trying to avoid.

9. Tell them not to thank you.

Make sure they know that you don’t need a thank you note. You can even go as far as telling them that you’ll actually be bothered if they take the time to write you a note.

10. It’s never too late to bring a meal.

Most of you probably don’t know anyone who lost a loved one so recently that meals are still being organized for them. But you do probably know someone who endured a loss six, seven, twelve months ago. I can almost guarantee that if you called and asked to bring dinner this week, you’d bless their oven mitts off. It’s never too late.

Maybe some of you have been meal organizers or have had meals brought to you–what things have you found helpful? Any other tips you want to share?

(Read other posts in this series.)

Addendum, added 5/15/2008

Many of the comments from this post were so helpful and practical that I just had to put them at the end here so that other readers could more easily access them. So here we go:

Gift cards!
Take them out to eat (McDonald’s can be a fine option if young kids are involved).
The meal coordinator should alert those bringing meals about any dietary restrictions, allergies, and food preferences.
Meal coordinators should give a reminder phone call
If you don’t have the means or availability to make a whole meal, bring something else, like some tea or a small plate of cookies. It’s about letting them know you’re thinking of them.
Take a shipment of paper products and plastic utensils over to them so that clean-up is mindless too.

And one of my favorite quotes came from jamsco, who said, “Meals are a gift from God through the human giver.” Perfect!

Entry Filed under: Food, Grief. .

32 Comments Add your own

1. bean | May 7, 2008 at 11:05 am

This is another great post! I could not agree more about the disposable containers. Keeping track of who belongs to what dish is impossible without grief (I’ve had meals provided after healthy deliveries)…I can’t imagine trying to do that when you are smack in the middle of a loss. I also second the frozen meal idea! Thanks for the series - it’s been great!
2. Anna | May 7, 2008 at 11:33 am

These are such wonderful, practical tips. I am going to send them to my mom for our women’s ministry.
3. amandaginn | May 7, 2008 at 11:41 am

The meal organizer would do well to track any allergies or “unpopular” foods for the family. A family of seven that we know prefer familiar meals rather than “fancy” ones (e.g. lasagna with red sauce rather than a seafood lasagna with white sauce and spinach and artichoke and mushrooms and so on).

In addition, they have a son with allergies to beef, dairy, and egg. The meal organizer identified these allergies, but also let the meal volunteers know that the family didn’t mind having to prepare a special meal for Jacob. It gave them more control over his allergies and was less stressful than trying to figure out if he could/should eat the meal. They usually have to prepare a separate meal for him anyway.

Gift cards to a few specific restaurants were also appreciated by the family since they could ALL enjoy the food, without worry of allergies.

Thanks for this insightful and practical post, Molly!
4. Kelly @ Love Well | May 7, 2008 at 12:45 pm

I second the gift card comment — especially to places that offer take-out or delivery. It’s a great option.

I also think it’s wise to for the meal coordinator to find out how many people might be in the house for dinner at any particular time. During times of grief or celebration, the home often contains extended family members who are staying to help out. It would be horrible to show up with a lasagna for four, only to find out there are six eaters that night.

(So now I want to bring you a dinner, Molly, since food is my spiritual gift. Is that wrong?)
5. Jake | May 7, 2008 at 1:02 pm

At our church, the meal ministry kicks in two weeks after the event. I found this especially helpful b/c often there is automatically more than enough to go around in the first two weeks, especially if family is in town. After two weeks, though, visitors tend to disappear and it’s then that you can really appreciate some help.

Thanks for this… I, too, will be forwarding it to many people
:-)Melissa [the one whose son will NOT be playing with vintage Little People]
6. Jenn | May 7, 2008 at 1:28 pm

It may be helpful for the meal coordinator to provide directions to those on the list that are bringing the meals. That way, the ‘bringer’ of the meal can just simply coordinate a convenient drop-off time with the ‘receiver’ of the meal!

And reember that it doesn’t have to be a homemade meal. We had people bring us rotisserie chicken and vegetables from the store and that was still a blessing to us!
7. Sarah | May 7, 2008 at 1:36 pm

I’m a fairly new pastor’s wife, with no clue on how to help those who are grieving…all your posts, and this one especially are priceless…thank you.
8. leanne gilchrist | May 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Scour the Goodwill for pretty dishes that don’t cost a mint! You can deliver these meals in the dishes and they have dishes they can keep and not worry about giving them back.

Also, include dessert too. Especially if the grievers have children, this will let the family know that you were thinking about all of them, not just mom, because we all know how kids love treats.

And if you cant afford to or don’t have time to make a whole meal, drop of cookies, tea, or chocolates.

This is my advice, and I’m grieving too.

Leanne in Longview
9. jamsco | May 7, 2008 at 2:18 pm

After our recent loss, we had people from two churches bringing us meals - we felt very blessed.

After half a week of meals, I wanted to say “Okay, you can stop bringing lettuce salads - we still have three bags of leftovers”

But you can’t say that - how can they know? So we just ate as much as we could and threw it when it went bad.

Meals are a gift from God through the human giver.
10. Steven Lee | May 7, 2008 at 2:34 pm

My mom after having breast cancer surgery and undergoing chemo was blessed by friends bringing meals for one week after each chemo treatment. This was a blessing to our family and helped her to not have to think about what to feed my dad and brother.

So it’s not always those grieving but other families that are going through some suffering, especially if it happens to be the mom that tends to cook at a lot.

What do you do when you’re not sure if they could use a meal or not? If a friend had a early miscarriage what is the correct or appropriate way to ask whether they would like a cooked meal?
11. Elizabeth Esther | May 7, 2008 at 2:43 pm

Have the meal organizer give out reminder calls to the food bringers.

After the birth of our twins, we went through a really awkward stage where people who were signed up to bring meals kept forgetting. I was like, “Um, do I cook or not?” and I felt very strange about calling someone to say—-

“Hi, are you bringing dinner tonight?”

I appreciated it when the food bringer called in advance to say 1. I’m bringing dinner and 2. here are your options, pick one.
12. Elizabeth Esther | May 7, 2008 at 2:46 pm

one last remark: after my husband’s stepmom was killed in a car accident; NO ONE brought us dinner.

except for our mormon neighbors down the street who brought a full ham, 2 different kinds of salads, dessert and dinner rolls.

say what you want about mormons—i’ll never forget that they were the only ones who stepped up in our time of need.
13. Jenna | May 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm

I think the giving and receiving of food is one of the true hallmarks of a true community. Nothing says that people are thinking of you more than a homecooked (or “home-bought” meal. It is so nice to have a tangible expression of people’s love.
14. Molly Piper | May 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm

These are all really good suggestions. The gift card idea is wonderful! Even a Papa John’s gift card would be handy–who doesn’t want to order pizza from time to time?

Steven Lee, I think anyone would be blessed to have a meal, no matter how far along their loss was. Bringing a meal may encourage them in a special way, demonstrating to them that you recognize the legitimacy of losing a child, regardless of developmental stage.
15. Hannah Helder Timmerman | May 7, 2008 at 6:10 pm

Since I have a son with severe peanut, tree nut and dairy allergies, I definitely appreciated the special efforts people made when we received meals after the loss of our daughter. One thing that I would suggest is to include the recipe with the meal (if it is a home-made one), and, if allergies are an issue, to even indicate what name brand of products were used. That way any concerns about allergies can be alleviated (and if the meal is good it can be made again).
But I have a question about being on the receiving end of this–is it terrible to not have sent thank you cards for meals received? It’s been three months for us, and I just cannot write those cards…
16. sumijoti | May 7, 2008 at 7:30 pm

We had some friends who took us out for dinner in lieu of a meal. It was a precious time of fellowship and we didn’t have to cook that night either! One couple even took us to McDonalds for the sake of the kids.

I agree with staggering the meals to every second day. I hate throwing food away but the portions were often more than we would eat for one meal. The food really heaped up after a while!

Somebody brought us a bunch of frozen pizzas. It was helpful for when we received meals that my (sometimes fussy) boys didn’t want to eat.

The food ministry was one of the biggest blessings we received during this time. My in-laws were blessed with some meals as well - people realised that they had lost a grandchild and were grieving too.
17. oftherock | May 7, 2008 at 8:52 pm

Thanks for the post. I like the feel and content of your blog. And I have wonderful memories of Orr, Minn during the summer camp when I served as counselor up there.

I will keep this post handy for our church members to consider as we help our grieving friends.

God bless
18. proverbs31 | May 7, 2008 at 11:18 pm

I was going to say the same thing about allergies and preferences.

All I know is that it was a huge blessing to have meals brought to us after the births of our second two children. I have never tasted anything so delicious as the hospital food and the meals the ladies brought - I imagine this is because I didn’t have to cook it.

I can imagine that meals would be a blessing in number of circumstances, after a birth, a loss, a sickness, a surgery. It made me feel so loved to be taken care of that way.
19. Patricia Filby | May 8, 2008 at 2:00 am

To all you beautiful, caring , and practical people!
My eyes almost spilled over when I read about your ministry and the sensitivity you show.
I found this all so helpful to keep in mindand heart for when the need arises - and it will.
What a great idea to include the recipe for a family with an allergy problem.
And as for having a meal organizer! Well, you seem to have covered so many things that takes the kinks out of possible awkward, even problem situations that could be unhelpful to the receiver .
Thank you all so much
Patricia
20. sugarworks | May 8, 2008 at 2:01 am

You have given great suggestions. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful tips.
21. JessicainFlorida | May 8, 2008 at 6:34 am

I love to see the body of Christ function as it should to care for those who are hurting. Great tips, Molly!

As for writing thank you notes, I would say you shouldn’t feel obligated (and this from the Southern-bred manners fanatic!) When my mom had breast cancer and both her church and her school were bringing meals, we just made up a very simple post card with a general note of thanks for the care and concern and had copies made. When she felt up to it, she would just sign her name and we dropped them in the mail. It eased her mind about saying thank you, but required almost no thought. When your friends are asking what they can do to help, maybe one of them can make up a card for you.

I am so proud of you, Molly, for using this platform to bless others with what you have learned. As one who has grieved AND one who loves those who are grieving, I am grateful.
22. robyn | May 8, 2008 at 8:04 am

excellent tips! i especially like the no containers that need to be returned and no thank you note policy.

good ones!
23. shawnda | May 8, 2008 at 2:00 pm

This is really good too! I have recently learned the “use dishes you don’t have to give back” - that one has served me TREMENDOUSLY when we’ve received meals!!! And I love the tell them not to thank you! I’m definitely applying that one!!! : )
24. jennapants | May 8, 2008 at 3:25 pm

how come everyone has these cute little quilt icons next to their names…will i have one? i will hit submit and see….
25. jennapants | May 8, 2008 at 3:26 pm

yessssssssssssssssssssss!!!
26. jennapants | May 8, 2008 at 3:27 pm

is it like my personal fingerprint? am i the only one with this quilt block? do we all get our own? oh goodness. as if i needed to have another thing to obsess over. this is so cool.
27. ingrid | May 8, 2008 at 8:55 pm

Hey Molly, I go to Bethlehem but I don’t think I’ve ever officially met you. But I read your blog Thanks for sharing this series with us. I have been really encouraged and helped by your thoughts. Thanks for being willing to share your grief and bless others. I just received a call from some friends in Missouri who found out that they lost their baby at 18 weeks yeasterday. They were going in to find out the sex of the baby and instead found out that he/she had died. My friend will be induced to deliver tomorrow. When they called this evening I was able to share some encouragement that I have gleaned from you. I shared with them Psalms 16:11 and a little bit of your story about that verse with Felicity. My friend was aware of what had happend to your family and said that it gave her hope to know that others were experiencing the same thing and finding hope in the Lord. Thanks again.
28. Valerie | May 9, 2008 at 6:36 am

To go along with the disposable food containers, I have often brought along paper plates/plastic forks, etc when I drop off meals so there is minimal clean up afterwards, too!
I’ve become a big fan of the gift certificate idea after having our most recent baby. I can’t speak for how convenient it is a for a grieving family, but for a busy one with four kids 5 and under and husband working crazy hours, they were a blessing!

-Valere
29. Stacey | May 9, 2008 at 9:04 am

Now, you know if you lived near me, you would NEVER be starving!!!!! Heck, you would probably never need to cook again! Although I know secretly, that piece of roasted garlic that Aber consumed at my house that one day that was secretly hidden in the bread freaked him out a bit.
30. Kayla Joy | May 9, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Amen! My mother had breast cancer for three years before she died. This took such a toll on us, becasue the chemo treatments absolutely drained her. Our church family blessed us by bringing us meals every night for a year, and then every other night until she passed away. Everything you said rang so true with what we experienced…the variety of meals, when to linger, when to leave…thanks for sharing this so more women will know how to serve their grieving friends!
31. Sunshine | May 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm

One thing that I found through serving someone and also our family being served when I was younger - someone should if at all possible volunteer to bring disposables and drinks - like paper/plastic plates, utensils, cups and paper towells or napkins - or a few different two liters or container of coffee - when we could break out the disposables and not worry about washing dishes when we were done it seemed to somehow lighten the load! Also one thing I took away from your blog that I want to do is make a note three months, six months, nine months and a year after I take the initial meal to bring another - this is SO amazing that you have taken the time to do this! Thank you Sunshine
32. Ginger | May 15, 2008 at 5:45 am

When my father was murdered, one friend thoughtfully dropped by a trunkful of paper products—plates, napkins, utensils, paper towels and toilet paper and…. Kleenex!!
I still say that this was such a HUGE gift for us, not having to worry about clean up. Meals are often thought of first, but the work after the food is always a load, especially in grief

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