Hey, New Readers!

July 17, 2008 at 9:23 am 42 comments

Welcome to all who clicked through from my post at Rocks in My Dryer!

I was so honored and humbled to be asked to write something for Shannon’s series. She is someone I really admire in the blogging world, and I’m sure many of you share the sentiment.

Thanks for reading. You certainly are welcome here.

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Entry filed under: Blogging, Grief.

I hope you have someone like Danielle. God’s Purposes and Our Pain

42 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Katie  |  July 17, 2008 at 9:43 am

    Yup, I’m one.

    I never know what to do around grief and your words were so painfully honest, incredibly real and very helpful to me. Thank you.

    Reply
  • 2. Courtney  |  July 17, 2008 at 9:53 am

    Thanks for sharing that. I have been by this blog a few times before your article in Rocks.

    I lost a child in the first trimester. My baby would have been 27 months–Huggies diapers sends me mailings w/ coupons, announcing my child’s age (had it lived). At some point I got on their mailing list. It’s kind of weird.

    I rarely talk about that baby, occasionally refering to it as my second child–which I figure most people assume is my youngest one, because I sometimes reference her that way too. I got all kinds of well-intended comments after that second child died: “Sometimes life is yucky” and “You guys can have another one. Keep trying.” Those folks didn’t really understand, or else they were just really uncomfortable and trying to make the best of it. Who knows. I would just smile politely and nod and wish they’d stop talking.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your journey.

    Reply
  • 3. Kelsey  |  July 17, 2008 at 10:18 am

    I have been to your blog a few times prior to your post and I wanted to pop over again and say Thank you. Thank you for sharing you story and what you want others to learn. It really has been a blessing to me at this time to read this because I have a friend who lost her son 2 months ago. Thank you again, and I am so sorry for your loss of Felicity. I know my words may not mean a thing but I am so truly sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  • 4. Angie  |  July 17, 2008 at 10:26 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate the way you write about your experiences and hope that if I ever have a friend in this situation, I will now know better how to serve her in her time of need.

    Reply
  • 5. jainhollie  |  July 17, 2008 at 10:30 am

    Thank you for sharing your story – I know that God has used you to bless everyone who has read it. Thank you for being willing to take us along on your journey.

    Reply
  • 6. amy  |  July 17, 2008 at 10:39 am

    Thanks for putting into words that some of us can’t. I have a hard time with trying to figure out how I’m feeling on a daily basis let alone letting others know whats going on with me.

    Reply
  • 7. Laura  |  July 17, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Thank you for your openness and honesty about your loss. I have read through your blog and been so deeply encouraged.

    I find it so helpful to hear from those who have grieved in ways that I haven’t and know what helps/what doesn’t etc… I have suffered from a miscarriage in the first trimester (which I believe is a different kind of loss than a still birth, but that could just be me) and found the most difficult part to be everyone else moving on while I was still grieving. After a few days most people had moved on and I felt pressure to move on too. But I still wanted to talk about the loss, but doing so seemed so awkward for everyone else. I learned that I had to be patient and merciful to others and understand that people intended well…it was a difficult process where I learned so much, and still continue to learn from.

    I am thankful for you, and your example!

    Reply
  • 8. Anita Jo  |  July 17, 2008 at 11:20 am

    I just read your post at Rocks, then clicked over here and read your series on helping a grieving friend. I’m so sorry for your loss of Felicity, and I wanted to let you know what a well-written, thoughtful, and truly helpful resource you have created here. I have been the one grieving more often recently than the helper, and your words are so affirming to me, letting me know I’m not alone. My husband had major surgery a few months ago, so I have been the “receiver” of lots of practical help, and have dealt with the discomfort and guilt involved with that. And I just lost my father 3 weeks ago, so now I am dealing with intense grief like I’ve never experienced. Thank you for being willing to put your own grief out there to benefit others. It truly is a huge help and comfort. May God bless you and your family as you continue to heal from this terrible loss.

    Reply
  • 9. Missy  |  July 17, 2008 at 11:36 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Pastor Sam Crabtree and his wife Vickie were my mentors in college and so I’ve always followed the ministry of Bethlehem Baptist closely – I remember reading about the loss of your precious girl and I appreciate the reminder that there’s no time line with grief. Thank you for helping others know how to reach out to friends that are hurting.

    Reply
  • 10. Amy  |  July 17, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    I found you thru a blogging friend who subscribes to Rocks and I found your post to be very helpful. These suggestions can also be used for a loss of any loved one. I experienced some of these same things when I lossed my mother a few months back.
    It took great courage, not to mention strength, for you to write all of this down and pour your feelings out. Thanks!

    Reply
  • 11. rayzerbacks6  |  July 17, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    Started reading your blog (And Abraham’s) last year after we came home from the pastor’s conference and Abraham introduced his dad. He told the story about not knowing any girls that would make good marriage prospects (or something like that) and John said “What about Molly?” Had to come home and google “Abraham and Molly Piper” to see what showed up… I’ve been reading you ever since. 🙂

    I met Shannon a few years ago when we decided to MIRL. (Meet in real life– I’m an Arkansan and also grew up in the town where she currently lives.) She is as great in person as she is on the blog and I was so delighted when she featured you.

    Love your blog! Thanks for honest, poignant writing.

    Reply
  • 12. rachel  |  July 17, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    It was a beautiful and well-written post, molly! Great job.

    Reply
  • 13. Valley Mom  |  July 17, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope I never have to deal with this kind of situation in our family or a friends family, but it helps to see it from this perspective and know what one can do to be helpful.

    By the end of the post I clued in who you are. I remember reading about your loss on your father-in-law’s blog in the fall. (At least, I’m assuming you’re John Pipers daughter-in-law). It was a beautiful bittersweet post that touched me very deeply.

    Reply
  • 14. Amy  |  July 17, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    Molly,

    I wanted to thank you for such wonderful writing and being able to put my feelings into print.

    We lost our 4th child (Abigail Faith) last year (6/16/07). She too was a full term stillborn because of a cord “accident”. I have travled my own path a little longer than you and find that I often feel the same. A friend of mine sent me the link to your post and it was wonderful. Thanks again so much for sharing!

    Reply
  • 15. misi8181  |  July 17, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    I almost lost my child at 39 wks however my Dr. just out of the blue called me for no “reason” a wk before he was due and asked me to come to the hosp. for a check-up on the baby. So off we went and 35 mins. later via emergency c-ection I was a Mommy!
    He had an abnormally short cord and he was holding onto it and was cutting off his oxygen supply.
    Now he is a healthy vibrant 2 yr old and I am so grateful to the Lord and for my OB who listened to His voice!!!
    I’m sorry for your loss-hollow words I know, but I don’t know what to say. I often wonder how I would have handled Josh’s death and I can’t fathom the pain, it cuts right thru my heart, and he’s here. I can only imagine if he wasn’t..
    God Bless you and yours,,, Sister in Christ-Misi

    Reply
  • 16. Jeanne  |  July 17, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    We lost our 1st son 1/03/1993. He would have been 15 years old this year. He was a full term stillborn as well. Life does go on but the pain is still very real. Your writing brought back all of the emotion I felt in the beginning. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom.

    Reply
  • 17. Marlene  |  July 17, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    I read your story over at Shannon’s blog and just wanted to thank you for sharing it.

    Reply
  • 18. JenR  |  July 17, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    Molly and others who have experienced the death of a child:

    I dont know if this is an appropriate question to ask or an appropriate place to ask it, but I have learned so much about grief from reading your blog and I greatly appreciate your openness regarding the death of Felicity. I apologize in advance if this offends you-I really do not intend that. What is the terminology that you prefer people to use when referring to the death of your daughter? Death? Is that too harsh-sounding a word? Loss? Or does the word “loss” seem to imply to you that your child just went missing and will be found again? Another word or phrase? Are there words or phrases that you wish people did not use?

    I ask this so as to be more sensitive when talking to grieving people.

    Reply
  • 19. Kathy  |  July 17, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Hi Molly, my sister told me about your post on Shannon’s blog today. It was very good. I wrote you a letter after Felicity died, but I don’t think it ever got through. I sent it c/o your father in law, through his church. I also left a private message here, but I wasn’t sure I did it right, so I don’t know if that got through either. Anyway, I’ve been where you are, and all of your suggestions for how to deal with someone that is grieving are great. I wish I had been able to say these things to people. I didn’t know how to tell anyone to help me. This is good for my own use too, to turn around now years later, and be a help to someone else going through it. I have enjoyed reading your blog, and learning from a “kindred spirit”.

    Love, Kathy

    Reply
  • 20. Anne  |  July 17, 2008 at 8:44 pm

    I appreciated this article because I have a friend who had a similar thing happen to her… it all makes sense now, so thank you!

    Reply
  • 21. Laura  |  July 17, 2008 at 8:58 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
  • 22. Ter  |  July 17, 2008 at 9:21 pm

    I clicked to you through Shannon’s Blog and I just wanted to express my sympathies to you for your loss. I, too, am a bereaved mother, and delivered a stillborn daughter 3 years ago. Her birthday is approaching next week, so my experience has been on my mind alot lately. Thank you for sharing your experience and for spreading awareness on the issue. I can only hope that by us grieving parents using our voice, our children’s voices through us, we will help future grieving parents because if just one person learns compassion, how to communicate with a grieving parent, perhaps those future parents won’t feel like they are alone in their experiences. I invite you to visit my blog sometime. I look forward to reading through more of yours and getting to know you here in Blogville.

    Reply
  • 23. Hannah  |  July 17, 2008 at 9:25 pm

    Molly, thank you for posting this (again).

    And in response to JenR above: my daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks. No medical cause for her death was evident. I almost always refer to Tabitha’s birth–“When/before/after Tabitha was born…” and if I really need to, I will refer to when our daughter died. My reason for this is to make clear the magnitude of our loss. Although we never held her living body, her death was not an abstract event; she is not an unknown member of our family.

    Others may feel differently about the terminology, and I too am interested to know how Molly (and others) responds to this!

    Reply
  • 24. Rocks In My Dryer  |  July 18, 2008 at 12:27 am

    Thank you for this, my dear! Your words were so helpful, and it sounds like you’ve helped people clear up their thinking on this subject. Good work.

    Reply
  • 25. Tara  |  July 18, 2008 at 4:07 am

    Yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the death of my friends’ baby boy:

    http://bobandsara.blogspot.com/2008/07/july-17th-one-year-later.html

    Reply
  • 26. Jane Swanson  |  July 18, 2008 at 7:04 am

    Molly,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly. Deeply. While I walk a slightly different path of grief involving one of my precious children, everything you say is SO TRUE.
    “Sorry, this isn’t simple.” I could wear these words on a T-shirt.
    Thank you for finding the words to express your grief and in the process help others on this path of losing a child. I don’t take your ability to do this lightly as I am unable to find words myself. I’m grateful to have your hard-earned insight.
    ~jane

    Reply
  • 27. Larry  |  July 18, 2008 at 7:38 am

    Molly,

    Thanks for writing about your experience over the last year. I think it was five days after you delivered Felicity that my wife and I met you and Abraham at the Archer’s house.

    Your endurance during that time was (and still is) a great inspiration to me. In fact, I told many people who asked how the DG conference was that the biggest highlight of the weekend was the short time meeting you guys and watching you grieve with hope.

    So it is belated I guess, but thank you for your encouragement back then, and in this blog post.

    Larry

    Reply
  • 28. Tina  |  July 18, 2008 at 8:53 am

    once again trying to restrain tears. I don’t know if you are this type of person, but I would just love to give you a hug… my heart still aches for you. I just cannot imagine something like this. I have been hesitant to mention this, but I am pregnant and due the same time you had Felicity. I am also older and considered a high risk pregnancy for other reasons. Anyway, I have been battling a lot of fears and constantly reminded (especially by your story) that this baby’s life is in God’s hands. You truly are an inspiration,and what I love the most is you are real… You have never tried to be super spiritual about it.
    Anyway, this is long enough. God bless you and your beautiful family, Molly. You remain in my heart and prayers.

    Reply
  • 29. Wife and Mommy  |  July 18, 2008 at 9:27 am

    Molly, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. I admit to being one who never knows what to do or say to a grieving friend. Your words will help me and I appreciate it.

    Reply
  • 30. E-Jayjo  |  July 18, 2008 at 10:46 am

    Hi Molly. I too came by way of your post on RIMD. That was a touching post. I’m so glad to have read it. The hard part for me has always been wondering if I should bring up the issue when a person has lost someone in their life…if they just want to not talk about it and reopen the wound. It is awkward knowing how to respond, but that is my problem and not theirs. It is so good to hear your insight on how you would like people to respond. This post really helps all of us! Thank you for your honesty.

    Reply
  • 31. Mandy Sessler  |  July 18, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    I read your story over at Rocks in My Dryer and I just want to say thanks. I knew the loss of a child was coming up and I was anxiously awaiting. Your words have brought me a lot of comfort and I needed to hear them. My brother and sister-in-law lost their 3 month old baby 5 months ago to SIDS. This was the hardest thing the Lord has ever asked me to endure, and I by no means even know half of the pain by just being an aunt. I have been struggling on what always to say and how to say things to them, so I am so glad that you have shared your story to give me some insight.
    I am so sorry about your loss. There really are no words, but I thank you for your courage and for listening to the Lord and sharing your grief with us.
    If you care to check out their blog: http://richandjenn.blogspot.com/ and http://babylillyspad.blogspot.com/

    Reply
  • 32. Aimee  |  July 18, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    i didnt have time to read through all of the posts or all of the wonderful comments, but your situation is identical to ours except that we were 28 weeks along when it happened. i experienced some of the same things, and felt the same way. on oct 15 it will be 3 years. your loss date is actually one day before the 1st birthday of the child we got pregnant with right after our loss.

    some of the hardest things for me, especially since i didnt already have any children micaiah rose henderson would have been our first. people expected me to be up and running much faster than i was physically able, i think because i didnt have a newborn in my arms they forgot that i had actually gone through childbirth and about 18 hrs of grueling induction as well, people didnt call, family didnt surround us, they said they were giving us our space, but i knew if she had lived they would have been knocking down our door so it hurt that in the pain we endured their werent many people around.
    i feel like i could go on forever, i did always want to talk about her, i also struggled and still do with the weight and after affects of having a child that no one can see, i now have 2 little girls 22 mos and 5 mos and the weight from all three. that is difficult i just want to get back to normal and feel like myself again, it has been so long.
    thank you for sharing, and i have had many people ask about our situation and the amazing things that God did through her death and i have never blogged about it specifically, just mentioned, i think it is time, thank you for your example.
    there are many women to comfort and touch through our pain. and even though i wont say much God was amazing to us and wrapped me in His arms, and still does as i am crying now.

    Reply
  • 33. amy  |  July 18, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    your post at rocks was great. thank you for so eloquently summarizing what you are going through. very helpful to those of us who haven’t (yet) gone through intense grief. have been reading some of your other posts and have really enjoyed them- will add you to bloglines- thanks!

    Reply
  • 34. Marie  |  July 18, 2008 at 9:47 pm

    I have friends in Chaska, MN! Someone anonymously commented on my blog – I think it was my mom who couldn’t remember her password for google and then forgot to sign her name. Anyway it pointed me to Rocks in My Dryer because of the post about you. I clicked over her and my heart feels sad. Not in a bad way though. I kind of enjoy crying because it makes me feel. First of all, I’m so sorry about your sweet little baby girl who died. Reading about Felicity made me feel connected to you. I had a baby girl on September 22, 2005 the first day of fall. We named her Kate Camilla and she is so full of pep and spice and giving me a run for my money. In 2002 my baby died at 13 weeks gestation but I didn’t find out until I went in for a regular visit and there was no heart beat. It still makes me cry when I think about it sometimes, but like I said I don’t mind crying. For me, it gets it out. I helps me grieve and feel my emotions. My husband on the other hand hates crying. He says it makes him feel worse which makes me laugh inside. Losing Alma Lee was truly sad but it was also such a wonderful time in my life because I felt my Heavenly Father’s love so strongly. I felt loved by my family and friends. It was so wonderful to have such a strong support system. I lived in Indiana at the time and had the best midwives ever. I was fortunate to deliver my baby in the hospital and have as much time as I wanted with Alma. The only thing I regret is not taking my camera with me. I was worried it would seem morbid to the nurses and midwife if I had my camera. Thankfully the nurse took a couple of Polaroids and gave them to me. They’re blurry, but they’re all I have and I cherish them. One thing I loved was the Healing Hearts newsletters I started receiving after losing Alma. It helped my grieve. I loved it. I love babies so much and it makes me feel so sad inside when a sweet little baby dies because I know how much I would miss that little sweet baby. Thanks for being so open and helping others. It good to know other people are grieving too and that it’s normal.

    Reply
  • 35. Dena  |  July 19, 2008 at 8:42 am

    Thank you for sharing such important and needed words. I love the name Felicity.
    The part you wrote about people who say things like “God is good”, and about the sovereignty of God really validated something for me. I completely believe those things, but I too, have been in the situation were those words seemed hollow and insensitive after a loss. To me, it seemed as if the person wanted to make my grief go away with those words so they wouldn’t have to deal with my sadness. And when you look at how Jesus delt with people dealing with loss…well, He didn’t say such things to the hurting person. I love how Jesus responded to his friend Mary after the loss of Lazerus.
    Obviously He knew that it would all turn out for good, but that was not His resopnse.

    The thing I still struggle with is what to say to someone I don’t know very well who has experienced a loss. Like someone you see occasionally at church and you only have a minute or two to say something. You want to acknowledge the loss, but what is the best way to do that?

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
  • 36. Sarah  |  July 20, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    Emily,
    Thank you for sharing your heart–for sharing the hearts of all of us who have lost a child. I delivered twin girls last year (9/4/07) at 21 weeks–Allison Elizabeth and Emily Ann. As we come up on their birthday, I have had an overwhelming need for people to ask me about them, even something as simple as, “what did you name them?” I tell other mothers that just as they want to talk about their children, I want to talk about mine.
    Thank you again for your words. Thank you for being vulnerable with your story too.
    Sarah

    Reply
  • 37. Sarah  |  July 20, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    Just realized I called you Emily…sorry, I meant Molly. My apologies.

    Reply
  • 38. Mitzy Schwarz  |  July 20, 2008 at 5:34 pm

    Hi~

    Im so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl!
    I felt encouraged reading your blog!

    I had a Misscarriage? still birth in Sept, 2005

    I was 12 weeks along, and found out through a sonagram, that My baby had passed away at 11 weeks.. The day after i found out that horriable news, I went into labor, and delivered my baby..

    I never got to hold him and say goodbye, which I think is one of the hardest things!..I dont even have a grave to go to, because I wasnt ” far enough ” along , ..

    people expected me to get over my grieving process, but I have to say, It took about a year or so for that to happen!

    I still miss him, and grieve for him all the time!

    my baby’s name was Donovan, and he was my 3rd son

    Thank you Molly, for sharing your story!!

    God Bless you!

    Reply
  • 39. Abby  |  July 20, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    So glad I came across your blog today. My roommate from college (who is also my husband’s cousin) lost her daughter on April 1st at 33 weeks. I have felt so inadequate when talking to her and your insight is just what I needed. Thank you for your testimony and wilingness to let God work through you to help others.
    In Christ,
    Abby

    Reply
  • 40. Becky  |  July 21, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Thank you for sharing.
    May God continue to comfort your heart!

    Reply
  • 41. Kelly  |  July 23, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    We have something in common. The 22nd of each month. My brother and SIL died in a car accident on July 22. This last Tuesday marked 3 yrs. The first year I really kept tabs on the months. Now it is dragging on to years. The pain is still there, but you learn to cope with it differently.

    Reply
  • 42. Rebekah  |  August 1, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I can relate to many of the feelings you shared since I lost my son in Jan ’08 at 37 weeks pregnant. I often wish more people would ask specific questions about Levi or my feelings but I think people expect me to break down in tears anytime he’s mentioned.
    -rebekah

    Reply

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