Loss and Subsequent Pregnancy

August 21, 2008 at 7:59 am 82 comments

Since losing Felicity, I’ve had people ask me fairly often about pregnancy. We wrestled with this issue almost immediately after Felicity’s death, which was an issue all to itself. The following questions have either been asked of me, or I have asked them of myself:

When is it okay to start thinking about getting pregnant again?

In the weeks immediately following Felicity’s death, I remember berating myself for even thinking about pregnancy with another child. Part of why I thought of it so often was that my arms were empty, my home was empty (relatively speaking)—raising a newborn was what I planned to do during this year. All the plans I had made for our immediate life in October, November, December included planning for a newborn.

So part of why pregnancy was on my mind a lot was panic. What am I going to do now?!?!

I also thought a lot of things like this:

It takes so stinking long to get to the point we were (39 weeks)!!! I better hurry up and get pregnant, in order to catch up to where I thought I would be in my life.

Maybe we should just start the adoption process right now and try to get pregnant.

Many of the women I had been pregnant with the first time around had already had their second and some were even pregnant with their third. Women have such comparison complexes, and losing our child was not helping when I looked around at the people who were “ahead” of me.

Am I betraying my dead child to think of more children? Am I trying to replace her?

I was really afraid that if we thought of other children that we would be trying to replace Felicity. A week or so after we lost her, though, Abraham had a rich, God-ordained conversation with pastor/author Randy Alcorn, who was in Minneapolis speaking at the Desiring God conference.

Randy helped us understand something that has been pivotal in our thinking about subsequent children. He explained it something like this: There are at least two voids that you are living with right now. There is the void that Felicity has left in your family. That void will never be filled; it will always be there. A separate void is your desire for more children, which you hoped would be filled in part by Felicity’s arrival. It’s important to recognize that these are separate voids/longings—Felicity and more children.

That really freed us from the guilt we felt whenever we thought of our desire to add to our family. Another thing my wise mother-in-law mentioned early on as well was, “You’re no more trying to replace Felicity by having another child than you are trying to replace Orison [our living child].”

It’s just not replacement.

“I think I feel ready, but…”

I remember getting an email awhile back from someone I didn’t know who experienced something similar to us. She was asking me about pregnancy, saying she “felt ready,” even though it had only been a couple months since the death of their child.

When I read that I thought to myself, “I wonder if she really feels ready, or feels like she has to defend herself in saying that she feels ready?” If it had only been a couple months since her child died, at least in my experience with grieving, she hadn’t even hit the reality phase of the loss really setting in.

But I definitely don’t think that makes pregnancy a non-option for her. I think you can be grieving and pregnant at the same time. If I had to wait to get pregnant until I felt like I was “over” the loss of Felicity, I would never have more children. Then both of the voids are never dealt with and I’ve basically told God, “No! I will not pursue one of the desires of my heart, a desire that I feel is from you.”

Do Not Give Way to Fear.

Obviously the decision to add to your family after a loss is much weightier than prior to the loss. Many people lose children due to a genetic cause, making pregnancy very risky for them and/or their baby. Perhaps some women feel as though they can’t go through that much pain again. Maybe some feel, in praying through their particular situation, that God is not leading them to add to their family right away.

I think there is wisdom in waiting for some measure of healing to take place. I also don’t think it’s unwise to step forward quickly in faith and hope that God will add to your family if it’s His will, even as you weep. In deciding to move forward immediately or wait, I think it’s important to check our hearts continually for fear.

The motivation to get pregnant quickly should not come from fear (like the panic I referenced above). God is your provider.

The decision to wait for a season should not come from fear (self-protection). God is your defender.

A good reminder for all of us is Sarah, wife of the faithful Abraham. I love 1 Peter 3:6.

“…you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

The verse doesn’t just say don’t be afraid. It legitimizes the fact that there are frightening things in life. It’s where we place our fear that makes us Sarah’s children. We are to cast our cares on Him, because he cares for us.

Life after a loss is so altered. Nothing is as black and white as it used to be, once the innocence of never having lost is stripped away. This decision is not an easy one. It’s important to trust God’s work in your heart to know how (and when) to move forward.

So you can pray for us. We go into the hospital tonight for a Friday morning induction.

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Entry filed under: Faith, Family, Felicity, Grief.

Orison’s Transition to Boyhood Announcing…

82 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JessicainFlorida  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:22 am

    There is such wisdom in this post, Molly. Your honesty and faith are beautiful.

    Many, many prayers are being lifted up on your behalf. We love you so much!

    Reply
  • 2. Lindsay  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:25 am

    My prayers and thoughts are definately with you. I have been thinking of you a lot in the mornings during my run for some reason.
    Thank you for your heartfelt words.

    Reply
  • 3. Heather  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:27 am

    Thank you for this post. We miscarried our first baby, and although I don’t believe the griving process is the same at 10 weeks as at 39 week, we did work through all those questions.

    You’ve been on my mind as you appoach the one year mark. I know this may be a difficult month and there is a song that always ministers to my heart. Here’s a link to it on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3em-0J1ePYU&feature=related

    Isn’t an induction to get labor started? Did I miss that you are pregnant again? I’ll be praying for you.

    Reply
  • 4. Heather  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:30 am

    I meant this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8tUP1R6hPo&feature=related

    Reply
  • 5. andrea_jennine  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:34 am

    As we’ve battled infertility, I’ve come to rely on that verse from I Peter for much the same reasons. Yes, there are frightening things like stillbirth and infertility in this world, but we don’t have to fear them because we have a loving, mighty God.

    I will be praying for your family! (And, um, congratulations?!)

    Reply
  • 6. Rachel  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:34 am

    so praying, so on my mind. you have been almost constantly there for the last 2 weeks. love you so much!!!!

    Reply
  • 7. J. Evans  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:36 am

    AHHHH! I cannot believe it’s already time, Molly. WHOO HOO! I guess my question of whether or not you were going to be dropping O off at Beginners on Saturday night is answered. 🙂 I’m filling in for Auntie Carol, and I wanted to give you the baby gift. But you’ll hopefully be holding a precious little boy in your arms. I’m excited to see who he looks like!

    Reply
  • 8. sarahT  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:44 am

    i was induced with m. so i’ll be praying specifically that your body responds well to the induction.

    may the holy spirit fill your hearts with peace and comfort tonight. may the lord’ new mercies be sweet to you in the morning. and may our god strengthen you and help you during labor as he lovingly holds you all in his hands.

    Reply
  • 9. Stacey  |  August 21, 2008 at 9:24 am

    We will be waiting for the phone call from grandma or mom to hear the news all went well!!!! Very excited for you.

    Reply
  • 10. Nikki  |  August 21, 2008 at 9:25 am

    I don’t even know you personally, so reading that last line of your post was both surprising and exciting! I already sent up a prayer for your peace and comfort, for God to replace fear and anxiety with anticipation, for your body to respond well to the induction, and for wisdom for the doctors tomorrow as they help to usher your new little one into the world. We will continue to pray for you in the coming hours and days.

    Reply
  • 11. watchingthewaters  |  August 21, 2008 at 9:55 am

    Congratulations! What a wonderful surprise! We’ll be praying for you! Corey

    http://www.watchingthewaters.wordpress.com

    Reply
  • 12. Joanna  |  August 21, 2008 at 10:12 am

    After having 2 children, my mother carried a baby for 3 months, then miscarried. It was tragic and hard to understand why God would allow this to happen. Then, just 3 months later she went back to her OB/GYN to discuss birth control. He told her that she couldn’t take BC because she was already carrying me.

    This is my most personal example of God’s Sovereignty being fulfilled in the midst of tragedy. I am here today on this earth, my sibling is with God.

    Just wanted to share that with you.

    Reply
  • 13. danielle  |  August 21, 2008 at 10:25 am

    call me before you go if you have time (i’m good after 1:30 my time), or when you get there…or email me the hospital room # so i can call you later or tomorrow if that’s better.

    also, this was really insightful and beautifully sums up what’s been going on with that process. i’d be shocked if this didn’t rip the veil off of some eyes…

    Reply
  • 14. RaJen  |  August 21, 2008 at 10:34 am

    i had an inkling that the conclusion of this post might be what it is, but I thought no, that’s too impossible b/c she’s made no mention. But that’s how God is, no? Making the impossible, possible? I am lifting you and your loved ones up in prayer. Peace be with your hearts.

    Reply
  • 15. Valerie  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:01 am

    You will definitely be in my prayers. I’ll be praying God gives you peace to enjoy these last few hours of being pregnant and that all goes well tomorrow as you meet your sweet little blessing.

    Reply
  • 16. Tricia  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:09 am

    Oh, wow. I didn’t see that coming at all. I even had to read through the comments to make sure I understood correctly. We’ll be in prayer for the birth of this little one!

    Reply
  • 17. Jess  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:28 am

    I was wondering when you’d reveal the secret!

    Reply
  • 18. Kelly  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:32 am

    A friend of mine from college who is related to you, Sunny, sent me this link. I lost a baby in April and by the grace of God, I found out a few weeks ago that I’m pregnant again. It’s amazing how God puts words in the mouth of others that explain exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for your wisdom and honesty. It takes some of the burden off of my heart knowing that I’m replacing the child that I lost. God bless and good luck with the induction. I was induced with my first, and it’s not too bad.

    Reply
  • 19. Carol  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:34 am

    The support team is praying for you with love and affection.

    Reply
  • 20. JenR  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:56 am

    “‘For I will restore the years the locusts have eaten’, declares the Lord”… I will be praying for you during this time, Molly. I am glad you are getting induced for your peace of mind-all those monitors and doctors are very reassuring!

    It is so interesting how life works out. If my grandma had not had a miscarriage, my dad would not be here. If my mom had not had a still birth and also 2 miscarriages, neither me nor my siblings as I know them would be here. And had I not had a miscarriage, my precious son, Benjamin, would not be here. It is weird to think that my direct lineage is a result of three failed pregnancies. I guess God knows what he is doing more than I do!

    I also appreciate your post with the thoughts that went through your mind. I experienced similiar thoughts with my miscarriage and it is so reassuring knowing that someone else had the “timing and what do I do now” question.

    Reply
  • 21. Kelly @ Love Well  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Mid-way through this post, I started wondering if you were going to announce a new pregnancy at the end.

    So imagine my shock and delight to read that last sentence. (I think I read it fives times just to let it sink in.) What a wonderful thing! My soul is dancing for you. I pray tomorrow will be a time of peace and joy and healing for your precious family.

    Reply
  • 22. Melissa Hunt  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Woah. I had to re- and re-read that to understand. Praise the Lord!!! What a miracle!!!

    And talk about great writing…. 🙂

    Reply
  • 23. Chelsea Bass  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    My husband and I are faithful readers of both your and Abraham’s blogs. What a secret you’ve kept from your “blog only” friends!

    We will definitely be in prayer for all four of you!

    Thanks so much for your wisdom, Molly.

    Reply
  • 24. Andrea  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Molly, Thank you for sharing your heart. We will be praying for you and Abraham as you go into the hospital! I pray everything goes well and we can’t wait to hear the news of you new little guy!
    Much Love,
    Jason and Andrea

    Reply
  • 25. Nicole Wilson  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    you’ve really been graced with phenominal writing skills. great post. praying for you… all four of you! 🙂

    Reply
  • 26. diane  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    Praying for you!

    Reply
  • 27. casey bradshaw  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    I have so enjoyed following both your and Abraham’s blogs! Boy, was I certainly surprised by the end of this post! What a miracle, what a joy! My husband and I will certainly be praying for you guys as you prepare for tomorrow. May such abundant peace be over you! Can’t wait to hear more.

    Reply
  • 28. Courtney  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    I wasn’t sure when exactly you were due, I knew it had to be very soon. You have been very heavy on my heart all day today. Now I know why! My prayers are with you and Abraham as you go in tonight. Induction can be less than fun, I pray that your labor goes quick and easy and that your new little man arrives healthy. Can’t wait to hear the name you have chosen!

    Reply
  • 29. Heather  |  August 21, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Okay, the other commens confirm what I thought! CONGRADULATIONS! I have prayed that God would bless you with another one. What a shock to find out your nine months pregnant!! No wonder you post no pictures of yourself!

    We’re praying for you fervently!
    heather

    Reply
  • 30. Heart Gone Walking  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:04 pm

    Like everyone else who knows you just through your writings, what a surprise! Praying for you and your family right now and will continue tonight and tomorrow. Can’t wait to hear more news!

    Reply
  • 31. Ashley  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    After losing our son in December, I went through and am going through everything that you write about here, and so clearly and beautifully. We are expecting another baby right around the time we lost Joshua, so there are lots of emotions that go along with that timing. . . thanks for putting words to it all so well.
    And Congratulaitons. I pray that you feel held up by the prayers of friends, family, and blog-stalkers (just kidding).

    Reply
  • 32. Suzanne  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Wow…what a surprise since I don’t know your from Adam. 🙂 Praying for you in TN.

    Reply
  • 33. Julie B.  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Molly,

    My heart resonates with what you’ve written. You have struggled through so many hard questions and the Lord has given you much insight and wisdom. I appreciate reading what you’ve written –good and healing thoughts.

    The verse in 1 Peter is an excellent thing to strive for. I imagine you’ve clung to it and prayed for this often. May God continue to hear your prayer and answer you!

    The Lord has been bringing you to mind often as I knew you were nearing this day. Now I pray for you again as the day is here. You can do it -(with the help of your husband, and God!) I pray that you experience God’s peace and that this delivery will be a lot easier (in all ways) than you could have anticipated.

    I look forward to the happy announcement!

    Reply
  • 34. Catherine  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    I’m repeating what every other loyal blog-only “friend” has said in that I was shocked to read the last sentence of your post today. My heart just bursts with joy for you, Abraham, Orison, and your new little one as you anticipate (his?) arrival! There are prayers being said for all of you in NC.

    Reply
  • 35. Nanette  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    Molly,
    You once again remind me of my own heart following the still birth of my Natalie. I have to admit I wanted to get pregnant right away. But you said it perfectly – it was never to replace her, but to just fill the desire to have children.

    I was induced with my second as well. I am sure you have been at the hospital often for your NSTs and such, so hopefully some of the nurses know you and will be sensitive if you are at all emotional during induction.

    I am so happy for you. Enjoy the day! I love birth day! And I hope God’s perfect will is brought into your life through this third baby. Oh, Hallelujah!!

    Reply
  • 36. Crystal  |  August 21, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    Since I’ve found your blog and started reading, I’ve often wondered how you were doing with those questions. I know the decision about when to have more children and the “what ifs?” were a source of wrestling for me, but there was also a sweetness when I was able to let go and trust in God and His sovereignty knowing He could give me strength for the time and circumstances He had planned.

    It was such a surprise for us to have a new little miracle on the way so soon after that decision, and now I know that you understand being torn between rejoicing for that new life while grieving the precious one that was lost. You summed it all up so well.

    And CONGRATUKATIONS! You will definitely be on my heart. I don’t know if you remember what I shared with you in an earlier e-mail about my experience after Benjamin’s birth, but I will definitely be praying for peace and strength trusting that you will enjoy the sweetness of this time.

    Reply
  • 37. jennapants  |  August 21, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Oh, Molly. It wasn’t a surprise for me, but reading your words moves me to tears. I am so glad you chose to ask your loyal and loving readers to pray for you and your baby. My heart nearly leaps out of my chest at the thought of you holding a little baby with little pursed lips and blinking eyes seeing Mama for the first time.

    This entire post was excellent.

    Reply
  • 38. bean  |  August 21, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    I LOVE that you wrote about 1 Peter 3:6 – we need that reminder so often, that it’s not that there aren’t scary things, but that we are not to be frightened by them! We are serving a mighty God!! Great reminder, thank you!!!

    A while ago I followed your link to your friend’s blog, and she had the pics from her visit to see you, and I was surprised to see your burgeoning belly since there had been no mention on your site – as a fellow pregnant mama, I’ve been praying for you since then. Enjoy your last pregnant day!

    Reply
  • 39. Chocolate, Vanilla & Caramel  |  August 21, 2008 at 2:21 pm

    Wow! I’m totally in shock, as I’m a blog reader and don’t know you in person. But GREAT shock! I wondered a couple of posts ago when someone in the comment section wrote something about “having a baby so soon” or something like that. I thought they didn’t realize Felicity was gone and wondered if it was hard for you to read that comment. But they must be a friend of yours! I’ve actually wondered quite a bit what your feelings were about getting pregnant again. We have friends who lost their baby right after he was born, and got pregnant about 4 months later. They now have a sweet son and he is such a joy. I hope you’ll write a couple of posts about what your experiences were like being pregnant this time. We love you and are praying for all of you!!

    Reply
  • 40. Ronnica  |  August 21, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    Definitely praying for you in this time. Congratulations!

    Reply
  • 41. Jenn  |  August 21, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    A dear sister of mine, along with her husband, just miscarried on Monday after about 11 or 12 weeks of pregnancy. This gives me a new perspective on how to pray for them both.

    Congratulations. Look at God! He’s definitely the epitome of all wisdom! 🙂

    In Christ,
    Jenn

    Reply
  • 42. Greta  |  August 21, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    For someone who only “knows” you by way of this blog, I can hardly believe it! I am floored for you guys and can’t wait to hear how it goes, what he looks like, how much you enjoy an infant all over again, etc.

    All I can say is Hallelujah. Praise the Lord. Your spirit is so sweet and evident through your writing. Thanks for allowing yourself to heal a little bit by writing publicly. I (and I dare say all of us) are thorougly enjoying it!

    Reply
  • 43. melissa mailly  |  August 21, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Thank you for sharing from your heart again, Molly. We will be praying for you and your family tonight and tomorrow as well! I remember so clearly being in this same place and wondering what it would be like to go into labor again. May God’s comforting presence give you the peace to be fully present for this child’s birth, to give your heart to this new baby, and to remember your sweet Felicity at the same time – a big order, but He is able to do more than we ask or imagine!

    We are praying that as you hold your new baby you will be able to say with Job, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!”

    You are very much on my heart! Looking so forward to hearing “the news.”

    with love, melissa m.

    Reply
  • 44. Renae  |  August 21, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    Oh my, what a wonderful surprise! We will be praying for beautiful you and your beautiful family. Many, many blessings and congratulations.

    Reply
  • 45. Courtney  |  August 21, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    I am praying for you, Molly.

    Love you a lot,
    Courtney

    Reply
  • 46. Liz  |  August 21, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Praying…waiting…wondering what is name will be…we love all of you!!

    Reply
  • 47. Liz  |  August 21, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    I meant “HIS”….oops! 🙂

    Reply
  • 48. Top Posts « WordPress.com  |  August 21, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    […] Loss and Subsequent Pregnancy Since losing Felicity, I’ve had people ask me fairly often about pregnancy. We wrestled with this issue almost […] […]

    Reply
  • 49. Sunshine  |  August 21, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    WOW! I read your blog all of the time! I am SO very happy for you guys and will be praying! Sunshine

    Reply
  • 50. Hannah  |  August 21, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    I thought I had picked up a few clues here and there over the past few months, but I am so excited to read this! (And so encouraged by the insights you share here.)

    Praying for a good night’s sleep tonight and for a peaceful heart tomorrow.

    Reply
  • 51. merch  |  August 21, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    While I don’t know you personally, I rejoice with you and your family in the Lord’s sovereign hand. “Not to us Oh Lord, not to us but to thy name be glory because of your love and faithfulness” Psalm 115:1 Blessings and prayers to your family on this day and tomorrow’s birth day.

    Reply
  • 52. Eva Dellinger  |  August 21, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    Oh, wow. I can’t believe how closely your thoughts resemble mine after we lost our little boy. I can’t even add anything. Wow.

    Reply
  • 53. MrsMK  |  August 21, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Happy dancing for you Molly!!!! I am way beyond thrilled…..and praying that all goes well this week.

    Great post on pregnancy after loss…rings true here.

    Reply
  • 54. Tina  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:19 pm

    Wow Molly, is all I can bring myself to say… You can bet I will be praying!! I am not too far behind you. I will be induced on Sept. 15.

    So happy for you, words cannot express.

    Reply
  • 55. Elizabeth Esther  |  August 21, 2008 at 8:56 pm

    WHOA! WOW! NO WAY!

    I was reading along thinking: oh, cool, she’s going to show us a positive pregnancy test. And what? WHAT? OH MY GOODNESSSSSSSSSSSS!

    Molly, Molly, I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning of this year, following your story.

    OK, so I am TOTALLY praying for you RIGHT NOW!!

    JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!!

    sorry for all the caps. can you tell i’m EXCITED!????? YAYAYAY

    Reply
  • 56. amy  |  August 21, 2008 at 9:13 pm

    We will be lifting you up all day (your night). Sleep well in the peace of Jesus, Molly and Abraham, we love you both so much. Can’t wait to meet the new liitle guy and like Liz find out his name. May you truly fel God’s presence with you every minute of these next hours! amy

    Reply
  • 57. Carrie  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! No way! This whole time you were pregnant?!?!?! Wow, I guess since I’ve never actually met you I would have never known, but I’ve been following your blog for a while and am so excited for you! I will be praying for you… I would imagine you are experiencing such a mix of emotions through all of this.

    Congratulations!

    Reply
  • 58. KarainOregon  |  August 21, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    What an encouragement your words are…our daughter, Selah, died in April at 4 and 1/2 months old and everything you wrote in this posting, I definitely have thought at one time or another. We just started the adoption process again this past month.

    At dinner a few weeks back we all discussed our son’s question about whether or not it’s okay for him to say he has two sisters…one here and one in Heaven. And his answer is truly how we view it…we see our relationship
    with Selah as interrupted…not over, but interrupted…and we can’t wait to know her more one day in Heaven. That perspective doesn’t take away the sadness, but it removes
    hopelessness.

    Recently I was with several friends and we were looking at baby clothes. One of my close friends who knows about our desire to adopt again asked me if seeing all those sweet little soft baby outfits makes me sad because they remind me of Selah or if they make me think about how much we would enjoy having a baby someday in the future. I told her that honestly, the answer is…both. We will always miss Selah. There will always be a echo of sadness that resurfaces, but is hasn’t drown out the possibilities of renewed joy either. Strange as it may sound, it is possible to experience both at the same time.

    Right after Selah died, we read through Piper’s poem about Job. It is a beautiful piece. First, as Job was telling his story, the sadness of his loss really hit home…thinking through our pain in losing Selah and then thinking about him losing all of his children. But in the second section of the poem, it became apparent that he was telling the story of his loss to his young daughter, Jemimah, the first child of his restoration. It was such a beautiful picture for us that even when everything feels empty and sad, we can’t see the end to the story.

    We recently were reading from Isaiah 61, which expresses the heart of God and His love for us. It talks about how God desires to “bring good news to the poor…to bind up the brokenhearted…to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of
    gladness instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

    I am stopping to pray for you tonight…and that God will be glorified through this new little one.

    Reply
  • 59. Lori Schneider  |  August 22, 2008 at 12:10 am

    I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. When our son died at almost fourteen it didn’t take me long to remember a long ago desire I had to adopt that God had put on the back burner. God does give us desires – like the desire to be a mom – and He hadn’t taken that desire away from me.

    We had our court appearance today for finalization of our adoption of our two daughters who are sisters from India, ten and six years old. The judge asked about our family and I mentioned our daughter (now eighteen) and our son. She asked me if we were replacing him with the girls. I said – completely truthfully – that NO ONE could ever replace our son. But, I told her what a blessing they are to our family. And, they truly are.

    You are right, you will never be done grieving your daughter. Life is never quite the same after the loss of a child. However, that does not mean that your life is over or that God is finished with your story. The Lord is gracious and merciful to deal with each of us who experience loss in personal and unique ways and I believe He is faithful to redeem the painful times in our life and bring beauty from ashes.

    You and your family are in our prayers.

    Reply
  • 60. Guinever  |  August 22, 2008 at 3:49 am

    You know, I haven’t been to your blog in awhile but I specifically came today so I could share a link to your “how to help a grieving friend” series…and now I see you’ve written this fantastic article that is going to help so many couples after experiencing pregnancy loss.

    When I was pregnant after losing my 2 year old daughter, I desperately wanted another girl. I wanted my other daughter to have a sister. My 2 boys had each other and I wanted that for my Mary. She had lost her older sister and so I just needed her to have another sister. A friend of mine asked me what I would do if we had a boy and I said keep trying until we get a girl. That I just really wanted a sister for my daughter…I knew I would love and adore another son and that it wouldn’t matter, but as the estimated due date approached, I had a foreboding, what would be my reaction if this baby I was carrying was a boy?

    Then I had a revelation. I didn’t just want A GIRL, I didn’t just want a NEW sister for my daughter. What I really wanted was my Abby back. I wanted Mary to have Abby, the sister who she doesn’t remember because she died when she was only 4 months old. When I finally realized all this, I was set free from my thinking of just HAVING a girl. It didn’t matter WHO this new person inside me was. Boy or girl, we would never replace Abby, no matter how many sisters we added to our family. There would always be ONE girl missing.

    Mary didn’t get her sister =) and we have the most delightful little boy! i just had to share my story.

    If I had known you were pregnant, my dear sister in Christ, I might have linked to my birthing website once in awhile instead of to my grieving blog all the time. But I think its neat that “You’ve been treasuring all this in your heart.”
    ~many blessings to your family! I can’t wait to hear all about your new addition.

    Reply
  • 61. Chris  |  August 22, 2008 at 4:43 am

    Thank you so much for the reminder not to fear anything that is frightening.

    God bless you!

    Reply
  • 62. seasofsilver  |  August 22, 2008 at 5:36 am

    I lost my Daughter Amelia 7 years ago when I was 6 months pregnant with her.

    It never gets easier and you never forget them. But life moves forward. I wish you ease of birth and happiness with this new baby!

    Reply
  • 63. Stephanie  |  August 22, 2008 at 7:21 am

    Hey Molly,

    Praying for you all. And praying for a peace. Can’t wait to meet this little guy! Love you, steph j

    Reply
  • 64. Shari  |  August 22, 2008 at 8:18 am

    Molly,
    Will be praying for your delivery today.. I did not know you were pregnant either! Wierd thing, I attend Bethlehem and would always see this lady who looked JUST LIKE you but she was pregnant so I always thought, “no” she must just be a look alike! I’m such a goof! Thank you for sharing your heart on this blog, it has really blessed me.
    Shari

    Reply
  • 65. deb t  |  August 22, 2008 at 8:29 am

    What rich insights, born through much pain! Keep sharing! You are more encouraging than you know! You’ve been in my prayers and I will be waiting with anticipation the news of your new little one. God be with you and Abraham.

    Reply
  • 66. shawnda  |  August 22, 2008 at 9:12 am

    This was so good, Molly! What a powerful post for mom’s and dad’s wondering….can we try now?? Randy Alcorn and Noel had very wise words for ya’ll – what a gift to your family and you are passing on this precious gift to many others! Praise Him!

    Reply
  • 67. Leslie  |  August 22, 2008 at 9:21 am

    Wow, you are wise beyond your years. Thank you for sharing all of that. God is so good!

    Reply
  • 68. Bethany  |  August 22, 2008 at 9:59 am

    We are praying for you, Abraham and Molly.
    May God give you grace and peace.
    Love,
    The Hedstroms

    Reply
  • 69. Jane Swanson  |  August 22, 2008 at 10:08 am

    Praying for a quick and safe delivery! So happy for you!
    ~jane

    Reply
  • 70. Kate  |  August 22, 2008 at 10:17 am

    What an excellent post! On so many different levels! Goodness, so surprising! Congratulations to you. 🙂

    Reply
  • 71. Caroline  |  August 22, 2008 at 1:05 pm

    Wow! Praise God and congratulations! I’ve been reading your blog (as well as your husband’s and father-in-law’s) for a while now. I’m not married yet, nor do I have children, but your posts have been very encouraging. It’s been a blessing to read about God working and changing the life of a woman not too far ahead of me in life. I woke up this morning at 2:07 praying for your family. I hope that today is filled with joy for all of you!

    Reply
  • 72. MrsMK  |  August 22, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    Molly…just stopping in to say that your son is beautiful! I am beyond thrilled for you right now!!! Been praying for you all day, and what a sweet reward!

    Reply
  • 73. Amy  |  August 22, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    Very insightful, Molly! While our situation is a little different in that we lost a 7 month old and we are also quiverfull, so much of what you spoke of is exactly the thoughts that spin through your head. I even went so far as to wonder if my wanting this baby to be a girl was my way of “replacing” Emmy. There are so many levels to this thing called grieving.
    And Congratulations! Like the others, I was blown away!
    Amy

    Reply
  • 74. Jessica  |  August 22, 2008 at 8:07 pm

    Your writing is excellent, and I appreciate your point of view and the way in which you express it. It is so honest and real. Congrats on the new baby boy!

    Reply
  • 75. Laura  |  August 23, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Hi Molly,

    Laura posting again… I just read this! Thank you SO much for posting this. After our first son died (after 3 weeks of fighting for his life in the NICU) so many of same questions were posed.

    God is so gracious – He carried my husband and I through the loss of our son Tyler, and through the pregnancy and birth of our second son, Levi.

    I’m blessed to be able to see how God has worked so wonderously in your life!

    Reply
  • 76. Bailey's Leaf  |  August 24, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    We lost our first child, Bailey, when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with her. I still had to cruise through labor and delivery to know that there would be no cry at the end. But, my husband brought up our want to adopt there on the hospital bed. We meant it as no disrespect for Bailey, but knowing what haul we would have to go through, we started the process only 7 weeks after having lost her. We weren’t ready to have a child in our home right at that moment, but we knew that by the time we ended the paperwork shuffle we would be. Just a hair under 11 months shy of Bailey’s death, our little girl, K- was brought into our lives. K-‘s adoption was finalized on her 1st birthday, 2 days shy of her Happy Home Day with us.

    The Lord provides. The Lord cares. The loss of Bailey provided crucial medical information to my family that would explain why one of my cousin’s had several losses. It also allowed the doctors to affectively treat another cousin who had partially tested for the same genetic blood disorders that I had. Though our first was lost, 3 babies are here because of it.

    Congratulations on the birth of Morrow. Don’t feel that you are behind in the baby game. You are just where God wants you to be.

    Much love!

    Reply
  • 77. Mrs. H  |  August 25, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    Just found your blog. Thanks for the post – you have echoed my thoughts. I still, daily, think about some of these. My Nathan has been gone for three months now. I could never replace him, but the desire for a child is still there. Some days I am ready for that desire to be fulfilled and other days it leaves me feeling a bit overwhelmed. I like the quote from your mom-in-law. Subsequent children are not meant to replace another (whether they are alive or not). What an excellent point. I celebrate with you at God’s blessing of another child. Congratulations!

    Reply
  • 78. Blogspotting at Between the Trees  |  September 1, 2008 at 11:04 am

    […] birth to their second son last week. (Well, Molly did, but Abraham was there.) Molly writes about having another child after a miscarriage here and about Morrow’s birth here. The proud grandpa, John Piper, joins in with a post of his own […]

    Reply
  • 79. Emily Zink Kirchnner  |  October 2, 2008 at 9:59 am

    Thanks for posting about your journey with grief. Our first child, our son Desmond, was still born at 39 weeks on September 15 of this year. I have been struggling to figure out how to mourn and grieve and how to handle my desire to have children. Our childless house will be very quiet in the next few months. I’m planning to read through all your posts!

    Emily

    Reply
  • 80. Nothing new, or wait. «  |  July 9, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    […] thing, but anything I can think to say would just be a reiteration of the really spot-on things Molly Piper has already said once.  I know I’ve linked to this post before, but if you haven’t read it, I highly […]

    Reply
  • 81. Cecilia  |  August 16, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Thank you for this post. Our first child, Ethan was born still in April, and this has been on my mind lately. We have been praying and hoping that God will bless us again, knowing we won’t ever fully be over Ethan’s loss.

    Reply
  • 82. Kim  |  November 11, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    I just was told about your blog from a dear friend. My husband and I are going through the pain of losing our first child Elijah at 34 weeks on September 20th 2009. We decided on his name because it means what he knows a reality “The Lord is my God”

    Reading your posts made me understand what I am feeling is okay, especially when it comes to thinking of another pregnancy. We have no reason why our son died but we do know he was God’s first and foremost.

    May God bless you as you are blessing so many with your true and honest blogs.

    Reply

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