I’m 30… finally.

May 23, 2009 at 11:18 am 45 comments

Today is my 30th birthday. Really, I’m cool with it. I’ve felt 30+ for a long time; it’s about time my chronological age matched up with my mental age.

As we reflected last night right after the stroke of midnight, the tears came. It wasn’t about being 30. It was lamenting the change in us that’s happened over the past 20 months. We’re no longer those happy-go-lucky, vibrant people we used to be. We’re haggard and weary and completely transformed. And it happened in an instant.

It’s as though when the doctor looked at us and said, “I’m afraid this baby is no longer living,” that a huge boulder dropped down onto the timeline of our lives, marking the point from which everything changed.

But, like I said in my post-Mother’s Day report, there’s sadness and joy on the same day, sometimes in the same minute.

Like last night. Right after this tearful conversation with Abraham, I popped over to his blog and saw a video that I could watch continually today. Everything inside of me that is joy rises up when I watch it.

And last night, before the tearful conversation, Abraham took me out for a wonderful birthday date. It was creative, surprising, sacrificial… I have an amazing husband.

And tonight is a dinner party with some of my closest friends. I’m really really excited for that.

So here we are againβ€”joy and sorrow, sorrow and joy.

I’m thankful for waking up today to the faces of 3 of my family members. I’m thankful for the loving parents and parents-in-law who love me so well. And sisters and brothers and friends.

It’s a good day to be 30.

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Entry filed under: Family, Grief, Life.

Mother’s Day 2009 My favorite grief song

45 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kathy  |  May 23, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Happy birthday sweet girl…

    As a ‘lurker’ who is faithful reader, I wish you the most happy birthday you can find here while still separated from wholeness.

    Your transparency and honestly has helped me in my own grieving process…

    30 is a great time, as person who’s been 30 since December, I have a wealth of knowledge to share. πŸ™‚

    Many blessings for your birthday…

    Reply
  • 2. Gina  |  May 23, 2009 at 11:59 am

    The Lord bless you and keep you, Molly. I love to read about your journey. Thanks for being so real.

    Reply
  • 3. kcperritte  |  May 23, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Happy Birthday!

    Reply
  • 4. jennapants  |  May 23, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Oh Mollywollydoodlealltheday!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    I know you feel haggard, but you’re beautiful and deep and real and you’ve taught me so much. You make me laugh and you let me cry with you and you tell me stories of your life that will never leave me. You aren’t rushing through life. You’re amazingly sweet to my children. And you’re a patient and invested mother to your own. I’m very honored to have you as a dear friend. I hope you’re birthday is wonderful!

    Reply
  • 5. Heather  |  May 23, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Happy Birthday! My 30’s have been far better than my 20’s!

    May God bless you!

    Reply
  • 6. Laurie Cuchens  |  May 23, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    I will be 31 in August, and have always looked young for my age. But this year I think it caught up with me! I too felt that life changed for us in an instant and the innocence of life going well, was gone.

    Reading your words always inspires me to dig deep for the joy that is within me- to look around at my blessings and not just at my failures.

    Until the Day we are whole.

    Reply
  • 7. rachel  |  May 23, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    HI. A friend of mine pointed your page out to me today. πŸ™‚ She told me how you lost your lil girl
    Well I lost my son right around the same time as you! similar story too.

    Happy 30th. Mine is coming close as well…………

    I like how you talked about the instant transformation. I can say I felt that too. I am oh so different than the college girl I was. It has changed alot things in regard to friendships and activities. etc…

    Reply
  • 8. No No Nanette  |  May 23, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Have a great party tonight and a very happy birthday! Hope you have some yummy cake:)

    Reply
  • 9. Jenny Rigney  |  May 23, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Happy Birthday to one of the most dear people I know! I love you and I celebrate your life today with so many others.

    I want many things for you this year. I am praying that God will bring every one of them to pass. I am praying that your 30th birthday and your 31st year of life is deeper and richer than you dare to hope for.

    Thank you for your honesty once again. You are a constant reminder to me that God is not far off from our laments… and our joys.

    I love you and am so thankful for your friendship!

    Jen

    Reply
  • 10. Cara  |  May 23, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Happy 30th Birthday Molly. 30 has been good to me so far. I would say sophisticated.

    I so much relate to your post. In fact, Felicity’s funeral was kind of a turning point for me. I remember thinking two things simultaneously as I cried and stared at the back of your head. “This is the beginning of real adulthood for me, and really, really hard things will happen to me and my friends.” and “Who could do this life without Jesus. There is NO HOPE, NO COMFORT without Jesus, and I am so grateful he is mine.”

    I think about that day a lot. The weight of losing Felicity (for all of us) and the reality of having Jesus was almost unbearable.

    That sorrow and joy has made you into a beautiful woman on your 30th birthday.

    Reply
  • 11. Bethany  |  May 23, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Happy 30!

    I love your blog. Thanks for sharing the undercurrents that make a river run deep. It adds value to each person who dips in.

    Reply
  • 12. lauren  |  May 23, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Yay, happy birthday, Molly!

    Thanks for letting us share in your life. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • 13. andrea_jennine  |  May 23, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Happy birthday!

    Reply
  • 14. Margaret V  |  May 23, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    I’m only 15 days removed from our giant boulder, though I’d only known about our precious baby for 2 weeks. The day before the miscarriage, my husband bought me the latest Newsboys CD, and it’s been one of the most wonderful blessings to me in this difficult time. I can’t listen to the song ‘Glorious’ without sobbing uncontrollably. It’s my -sacrifice- of praise to God, even though I’m still asking WHY. Anyway, I just wanted to recommend the song ‘No Grave’ by the Newsboys.

    I’ve been inconsolable, but when listening to this song I just envision my little baby, whose heartbeat I never even heard, flying joyfully to Jesus.

    Your blog gives me hope. Thank you and happy birthday.

    Reply
  • 15. Margaret V  |  May 23, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    Oh wow, I didn’t know it would do the whole youtube thing. Sorry, was just trying to post the link!

    Reply
  • 16. Kathy  |  May 23, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Happy birthday Molly. 30’s are way better than 20’s. (And 40’s are even better…)
    Kathy

    Reply
  • 17. Jane Swanson  |  May 23, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Happy Birthday Molly!

    Reply
  • 18. Debby  |  May 23, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    I’m glad God has surrounded you with much love, Molly.

    Thank you for writing honestly about the mingling of joy and sorrow. I hope this year, and all of your 30’s, are astoundingly joyful.

    Happy Birthday!

    Reply
  • 19. Chris  |  May 23, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Happy Birthday, Molly!

    “in joy and in sorrow”–I guess it was foreshadowed in our wedding vows…I must have thought of that because this is our 20th wedding anniversary weekend, and we are in the middle of some great joys and deep sorrows right now, as well.

    I remember 30 very well–almost 18 years ago, and good things are still ahead for us and for you…

    Reply
  • 20. Nikki  |  May 23, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Happy Birthday, Molly! Thank you for sharing yourself so honestly in your blog. Thank you for continuing to be, through your honest words, such a help to others who have gone through loss (like myself)… though I know you would trade that status in a moment to regain time on earth with your sweet Felicity (what a beautiful name). My God bless you, Abraham, and your beautiful boys today.

    Nikki in Colorado

    Reply
  • 21. Hannah  |  May 23, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Happy birthday, Molly.
    Wishing you blessing, peace, and joy in the coming year(s)!

    Reply
  • 22. Emily Meyer  |  May 24, 2009 at 8:12 am

    Happy Bday. Thankful for your honest words.

    Reply
  • 23. brenda@coffeeteabooksandme  |  May 24, 2009 at 8:43 am

    Happy Birthday! Thirty was my hardest birthday (I’m now over 50 and embraced each birthday after 30). πŸ™‚

    I lost my father when I was ten and then our first child was born too soon and the doctors didn’t even let me hold him (things have changed since then).

    I’ve told people what these experiences do is make you “shed your innocence”. You actually know through them that bad things do happen to good people.

    I’m convinced that my father’s sudden death is what drew me to the Lord during the Jesus movement. Matthew’s death eventually drew me closer to the Lord. It’s these moments in our life that we choose, we either “choose life”, trusting in God’s character and His Word… or live like the world who does know know His character.

    Your life is showing so many people how to handle unexpected adversity.

    Reply
  • 24. nmwally  |  May 24, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Happy BIrthday Molly! Welcome to the 30s. I just turned 30 a couple of months ago, and it’s not so bad. πŸ™‚ Cute video, too β€” you sure are blessed! Enjoy your day.

    Reply
  • 25. Kellie  |  May 24, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Molly- It feels a little wierd to say Happy Birthday after that- but I do wish you one b/c as you said their is joy and sorrow mixed in.

    I saw your comment on my blog and I miss you too! Whenever I read your blog I think I would love to get together w/ Molly. I will call you soon to see if we can do that.

    Reply
  • 26. Brian  |  May 24, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Welcome to your “30”s. I joined the crowd last summer. It was weird for me as well, but it’s been a great year for me and my family. I hope you and yours also enjoys a blessed year…

    Reply
  • 27. Jaime  |  May 24, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Happy Birthday, Molly (a day late). I turned 30 three weeks ago and it’s a lot better than I thought it would be.

    I was sitting in the middle of Central Siberia when I read on the DG blog that you and Abraham had lost Felicity. We prayed for you at our missionary ladies Bible study that night, and I have been following your blog ever since. While it comes from a very different cause, I am thrown between sadness and joy on a daily basis, it seems, and there have been many times that you in your blog have expressed the grief I feel but have not been able to verbalize. Thanks for being so honest and real, and for trusting God to take your broken pieces and make something beautiful out of them.

    I’m praying that Jesus will continue to hold your hand and lead you through this next year.

    Reply
  • 28. Kelly @ Love Well  |  May 24, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    Happy birthday, sweet Molly. May God bless your 30s with joy abundant.

    Reply
  • 29. amy  |  May 24, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    happy birthday Molly!! I can’t wait to see you in just a few short days and give you a hug. 30 is great. All my love!

    Reply
  • 30. Kath (Russia)  |  May 25, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Happy birthday, Molly! You don’t know me, but I’ve been foolowing your blog and Abraham’s. Thanks for sharing and may God bless your thirties!

    Reply
  • 31. Elizabeth Esther  |  May 25, 2009 at 12:16 am

    Welcome to the 30’s, old soul! We can be old souls, together!

    Yep, I was happy go lucky once, too. But I like being the old, seasoned soul that I am now. I’m more interesting this way. And I like it that way.

    XO
    Hugs
    Kisses
    and if I was in MN, I’d take you out for the MN equivalent of CA frozen yogurt!

    Happy Birfday!!!!

    Reply
  • 32. Marny  |  May 25, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Happy Birthday (a little late!!)!! I pray that God will bless you as you move into this new season of life. I so know what you are talking about when you talk about the boulder dropped on the timeline of your lives. Mine dropped nearly 7 years ago and I’m still lamenting the death of that happy bubbly person that I was but I know that through those painful experiences God has changed me and is changing me! All for his good and glory I pray! I hope one day you will be able to see that also xoxo

    Reply
  • 33. Rachel  |  May 25, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    I think I wished you happy b-day on twitter, but wanted to reiterate. I get so confused cuz it’s brian and his mom’s bday too! πŸ™‚

    I hope your day was wonderful, reflective, and amazing. You are so great!

    Reply
  • 34. Ronnica  |  May 26, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Happy belated birthday, Molly!

    Reply
  • 35. Andy  |  May 26, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Isn’t this what Christ promised us? Both joy and sorrow. “I have said these things to you, that h in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; l have overcome the world.”

    Good post. 30 is just the beginning.

    Reply
  • 36. Kristin  |  May 26, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Happy (late) Birthday! 30 is a lovely age…31 was harder for me than 30 was, not sure why (maybe because it just felt like a regular birthday instead of a landmark birthday).

    I remember feeling on my 21st birthday the same way you did on your 30th…tragic circumstances left me feeling like I was turning 61 instead of 21! But God is good and his healing is real, though not quick…and he doesn’t undo what’s been done or erase all the pain. It is real healing, though, and I hope for your sake that it continues each birthday and mother’s day into eternity, when the healing is complete!

    It is evident that God has blessed you with an incredible support network of family and friends, and with his own presence.

    Blessings in Christ to you!

    Reply
  • 37. Ebe  |  May 26, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Happy belated birthday, Molly!

    I pray that this year is a great one…I’m glad there was sweetness on your birthday.
    The joy alongside sorrow mystery is just so perplexing. I don’t understand it at all, but I am so glad that the Lord gives us such joy in the midst of our pain.

    I am so glad to know you. Praying for you.

    Remembering sweet Felicity,
    ebe

    Reply
  • 38. amberausten  |  May 27, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Happy 30! Ill

    Reply
  • 39. Caryn  |  May 27, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Happy Birthday Molly!

    Beautiful Post!

    Reply
  • 40. MrsMK  |  May 27, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    Happy Birthday, Molly!

    Reply
  • 41. lindanisida  |  June 4, 2009 at 4:38 am

    Happy Birth day…..a very nice family, I ‘ll recommend my oldest doughter, she is a doctor now still take her specialist of radiologi , may be she has time to make nice blog like yours….

    T Q , 4 sharing . God Bless U N Fam.

    Linda Nisida in Indonesia

    Reply
  • 42. rjg0f8  |  June 4, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Life is so hard! Thanks for sharing what is going on with you! Different situation but we don’t feel quite as vibrant either.

    Reply
  • 43. stephanie  |  June 5, 2009 at 3:30 am

    Happy belated birthday! Glad you had nice celebration!

    I wanted to let you know that I’m having another giveaway this week, so please drop by πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • 44. Laurie Lynn  |  June 29, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    God blesses and God is good.
    Praise HIM.

    Reply
  • 45. Crystal Malek  |  July 9, 2009 at 8:53 am

    Hey Molly, late Happy 30th! New visitor to your blog, but will be visiting often. Been listening to your dad-in-law for some time now. Turning 30 in a couple of months, so I’m almost right there with you. Looking forward to reading your insights….

    Reply

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